Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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