I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
