At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I supernannyed him into submission
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
