god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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