oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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