Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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