bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
