Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
