The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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