My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
