Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
