You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
