i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Randomize
