i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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