Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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