You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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