ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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