I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Randomize
