I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
