From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
