I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
