You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
