you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
