He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
The power of my boobs compel you
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Randomize
