I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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