a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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