Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
