It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
