I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
