this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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