I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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