I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Randomize
