i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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