He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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