I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize