no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
