did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
zippers are such a cool invention
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
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