Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
The air taste purple.
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