I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
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