Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
