I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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