If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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