At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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