Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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