I showed him my bush... on skype.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
