wakey wakey hands off snakey
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize