Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
