so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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