I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
