Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize