I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
