the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
