her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Randomize
