rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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