I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
