Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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