apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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