Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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