i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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