Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
