Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
