end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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